if a star shines in a cloudy sky...
i assume, after our conversation yesterday that the girl you were talking about is breton. and i know all too well what you mean about those kinds of feelings. how at times they can really drive you, forcing you into completely selfish decisions. and then, yes, at times those decisions will often come to haunt you (as they often have me). but essentially, i believe they they are necessary. necessary for a being (human) to take control of their life, somehow make it their own and begin to chisel out an identity specifically their own. for if not by one’s own free will, what then is left of life’s accomplishments and failures? Socrates would say that it is not a matter of finding truth (which to him equated very much with god, or the ultimate), but it is the pursuit that matters. so, even in failure or setback a person has always bettered themselves in trying.
loneliness also can better a person. as can heartbreak. and rejection… it is only from a distance that our own faults and mistakes become apparent. only in the present can we see what was not clear in the past. only later will we be able to see what is before us today.
your “if a tree falls in the woods…” is perhaps a good question to ask. but consider this:
truth is not reliant on mere consensus alone. even if no one in existence were to hear the tree, does it matter? does it mean it did not fall? the tree alone may know the truth. 99 out of 100 people can believe one thing, but the one opposing belief can still hold the truth. you are the only person who holds the key to that. you alone know what is true for yourself, and you alone have the responsibility of using that truth… though it may be a heavy burden.
how about this: if a star shines (as you feel you are) and no one looks, or rain clouds were to cover it completely, would it not still be beautiful (perhaps even more so) behind its veil?
would the star stop shining regardless?
as i told you, my own heart has been again left hopelessly empty. i often feel that because of some selfish decision or another, i have lost the person who has thus far filled me most completely. and, though i have lay in other lover’s arms, i feel my heart still lagging behind. having tasted it’s own truth, it may never be satiated again.
but can i stop? can i will truth in one direction or another to suit my pleasure?
i dreamt of breton last night (again). when is saw her at the end of a long corridor, i turned and walked away. she had already noticed me though, and turned toward me. i began to run (she can’t see me like this, i thought, i’m not ready). but in the end i came to a wall. there i met many other people i have known and loved, waiting to greet me happily. i found myself trapped. in front, the accepted love and open arms. behind, the questioning gaze of my beloved. i stood frozen, refusing to turn around.
eventually someone from the crowd came forward, their arms enveloping me. then another and another, until the crowd had surrounded me, cutting me off from breton. a white light passed over and i had a feeling of being lifted, or rather dissolved, into thin air. i looked back down toward breton as my (spirit?) floated away, feeling it would be the last time i would ever see her.
i woke up hopelessly lonely. yet, there is someone who is wanting so much to love me, and i can not open myself. instead i die over and over again for a ghost.
throughout the day, though my mind wandered other territories, i would still catch sudden pangs of fear, or perhaps heartache. how is it possible that i can be so lonely, though perhaps there is so much love around me? and you, across the globe, are yearning for all that i have. how then, will either of us find peace? can one ever be satisfied simply with the love he has (though it may be plentiful) if he can not have the love he desires?
probably, but that is a strength that decidedly neither of us have mastered.
