comment expliquer?
I went on a road trip after all last week. Ended up in Big Bend National Park. I could talk about it for ever, because I love it there. The trip itself was really what I needed, and gave me a bit a time to breathe. Just to think. I left to get my mind off things, and now I don’t know what I wanted to forget. So I guess everything has been going very well for me (at least in the short term). I had a few eye opening experiences alone in the desert. Including cactus, swimming across invisible fences, stars like a blanket in every direction, and a German guy and some wine. and these are the kinds of things i really need sometimes. exactly these. I had a flat tire on the way, and it was almost the best thing that could have happened. I went on such a crazy search for a new tire. Speaking Spanish all the way… and then for $20 I found what i needed and more. such a strange chain of events. completely unexpected and unscripted, full of insane Texas/Mexican characters… but it was great. I don’t know it’s eally hard to explain without actually explaining it, and i guess that would kind of ruin it… if that makes any sense.
on the second night i was watching the most incredible sunset from the banks of the rio grande. it was here that i had so many thoughts in so many languages all at once. first in french. and i thought “i want to explain all of this to you, but—il n’y a pas des mots.” in english, there are no words, but that’s not really what i want to say. I want to say il n’y a pas des mots. over and over again. that’s what i really mean. then i think about love. and how looking into a sunset is like looking into someone’s eyes. there is just no way to describe it. il n’y a pas des mots. and i want to tell you i love you at this moment also. but. there is no way to say it and mean it. really. how i want it to. there is no way to say i love you (in any language). and this has always really bothered me. when someone is near, you can show it, somehow, maybe. but when words are supposed to suffice, they leave so much to be desired. words leave so much unsaid.
and i have been thinking about what you said. and i don’t know what to say back. but it makes me feel happy. you know, all warm and fuzzy inside. and i just wish sometimes you were here. or what i mean to say, is that (somewhere) we were together. and i really wish i could curl up in bed with you. and tell you things that no one else understands. but even more, i just hope that you can be happy. “tu parles comme les grandes personnes!” stop and look around. even for me, i have been finding more magic than usual. and i think really it is always there, but we are blind unless we really try. “je suis un homme serieux. je fait des choses tres importantes!”
But no!
“There have been millions of years that flowers have made thorns. There have been millions of years that sheep eat the same flowers. And, is it not serious to try to understand why they give so much difficulty to make thorns if they serve no purpose? It’s not important the war between the sheep and the flowers? It is not serious and more important than the calculations of a big angry man? And if I know a flower unique in all the world, that exists nowhere else, except on my planet, and that a sheep could annihilate it in only one bite, like this, one morning without even knowing what he had done, this is not important!
If someone loves a flower that there exists not another like it in millions and millions of stars, that is enough to make him happy when he sees it. He says to it “My flower is out there somewhere…” But if the sheep eats the flower, it is for his as if, suddenly, all of the stars were extinguished. And this is not important!?!”
but it is late. and i hope this makes less sense next time i read it(!) but maybe you can decipher some bit of meaning from it… i love
you.
