je t'ai dans la peau
I want to begin my attempt at advising by simply passing some advice that was once given to me. It crossed my ears at a time when my heart was too headstrong to really hear the words as they came. I suppose it is actually many times in life when hindsight is less clear than foresight, only prevailing circumstances prevented understanding of what was only all too clear before you. I digress…
Gil once told me something that I will remember to the very word perhaps as long as I live, or at least as long as I love. I will leave it here in French for you to find its meaning, as I believe it was not so much in the exact words or translation, but from where it came and the circumstances upon which I found myself at the time.
“Faites ce que vous devez faire, mais faire attention! Le coeur ne sait pas toujours la vérité. Si vous le suivez trop longtemps, vous deviendrez perdu. L’écoutez, mais questionnez également ce qu’il indique.”
But really, who am I to give advice on such a subject? I, who have once (not so long ago) lost the greatest love of my life for mine own selfishness. I, who was about to do it again if it were not for outside circumstances! And lastly, I, who in the end could not even uphold his own ideals, cling to his selfish notions and reach for his happiness, whatever the cost!
One year ago, or even one month ago, or perhaps yesterday (perhaps again tomorrow), I would have given you much different advice. But now, what can I say?
If I were to be selfish now, I would be there with you. If I were even more selfish I would tell you to come back. But truly, I can give no such advice! You are doing what makes you happy, or at least searching for that path, barely visible in the grass, that may one day bring happiness.
And what if you are wrong? So what if you are wrong! What other choice do you have? Abandon the search, for what? For something that you already KNOW does not bring you true happiness.
I almost hate to do this, but I leave you with some writings that once came from my own self. I had to consult them to find answers to your questions, and actually to remind myself of the answers I had already found for myself. Always I am amazed by what can be known, but never really accepted…
one step at a time
like some medieval epithet
following my heart
kalo ‘smi loka-ksaya-krt pravrrdho
If only we could listen to ourselves…
I am reminded of myself… Perhaps two years ago. When I pushed Breton away in the same fashion. And perhaps not more than three months ago when I began to do the same to you. When I did feel abandoned. And when I wanted to tell you to stay. But when I couldn’t because it would have been selfish. In a bad way.
I realised this one night when you told me something like this: “I want to stay, but I feel like I can’t. I feel like I am abandoning everyone here, but I have to go. (And then) Jason, you’ve created a monster!” I liked that alot. And I really couldn’t argue with you, and surely couldn’t hold it against you. Because really, that was probably my intentions.
So, just try not to get lost. But don’t be so concerned about staying on that path either… In short, I could have saved much typing and much ado. I guess I should have just said “do what feels right.” Don’t let anyone hold you back. You just have to decide what is more important to you. Being in familiar places with familiar people, or searching for what else may or may not be out there.
