following my heart
"Faites ce que vous devez faire, mais faire attention! Le coeur ne sait pas toujours la vérité. Si vous le suivez trop longtemps, vous deviendrez perdu. L'écoutez, mais questionnez également ce qu'il indique."
I remember a year ago walking these same roads as the sun was setting and thinking similar thoughts - of Her.
Only then, they seemed to have more merit. Perhaps then she had thought similar thought of me, as well. But truly, it is no different, for I feel the same, and I think just as often how much she is missed here. I had dreamed one day of bringing her here, and holding hands as we walked down these old, worn roads; showing her the million stars of the country. Though now perhaps I still have similar dreams, I would give much for anything really. Just to speak with her, or to have her alone even just for a few moments. It has been some time since we have shared anything real- entre nous.
Je veux bien être avec elle maintenant.
But now, once again I am alone here in this little house. And though it is what I had originally wanted, it does feel a bit lonely. When before I searched in vain for a quiet moment, now the quiet seems to loud. The cold winds blow through the broken windows and loose boards, and there is no one here to warm up with.
But, it is what I asked for, and now I have it. Once again I realize too late the value of companionship. Not until it is gone, do I want its presence. I push and push until it gives way, and when it does I am surprised. I immediately begin to pull it back to me, but it is too late.
Though I am surer than ever in my life, I am forced to question weather I am following the right road. I am reminded constantly of what is left behind, and all that is lost forever. I think of my friends, and my family and question why it is I have left them, why is it necessary? Perhaps it truly is not, and I am only adding to the pain in my heart.
I realize I have been here now already half as long as the last time. "Here" being nowhere in particular, just wherever I happen to be; far from home, family, and friends. It seems the last time though was truly something different - a great quest, and by this time I was already far advanced along the path. Now however, it feels unexpectedly common and framiliar, and I wonder what it is I am supposed to find this time. Can it be that my heart will never be content just to let things be; just to live for a time, and be comfortable?
I look back at the many directions I have traveled - each time more sure than ever that I was going the right way, and each time I was quick to find something other in which to place faith. The handle of a corkscrew is in line with its point, but the line between them is never straight.
But things are coming together now. They have not gone at all how I may have wished in the beginning, but still they will work, and that is what matters. I am beginning to learn that one's idyllic ideas of the future can never be held to tightly to. Oftentimes, those ideas are not best anyway. Life seems to work itself out, and one must only let it come.
I am learning this - though at times it is still so hard to accept.
But I only hope that someday I will be able to avoid making similar mistakes to those I have made in the past, and thus avoid having to come to such hard times in the first place. Perhaps, armed with this knowledge (or at least with the acceptance of it) some time ago, I would still have something to hold on to. Though, I suppose this can be said many times over, and I'm sure it will not be the last.
I still have a long way to go.
There are some very rare things that never change. And these are what we must hold on to, regardless of emotions or psychology. We still have simple truths:
(Love is life.)
