baby steps
…but we are both a little crazy right now and i think that we should go with it… in baby steps.
I stopped in for coffee at Her house on my way through town – because we can do that.
We talked, and she fed me; and for a while we were okay. It finally felt right for once, like I wasn’t intruding, and perhaps she was actually enjoying my company. She laughed and smiled, and I left feeling wonderful about everything – refreshed, enlivened, and ready to take on anything. She just seems to have that effect on me sometimes.
When I left I still wasn’t sure where I was going; and I suppose I rarely ever do. But I found out, with just enough time to spare. That’s how it works for me, and I have little doubt I will always be this way. Though I am not always sure where I am going, I know that I will always find out. Sometimes it’s not until the last possible moment, and sometimes it’s a moment too late, but the answers will always make themselves clear eventually. That’s just how life is.
So, I have been trying to give her space and time, and I don’t want to push. But even in this capricious existence I tend to lead, it can be difficult. I don’t want to seem demanding, but at times I would like to ask so much.
Last night, it had gotten late. She was in bed, and I again felt out of place, awkward. I stood next to the window wondering weather I would rather brave the cold streets, than to sleep at her feet, beneath her bed. Annoyed, she asked me what the hell I was doing – told me to turn off the light, and come to bed.
Do you need an invitation, is that it?
I suppose I was only waiting for the go-ahead, for some signal. I still don’t know the rules yet, but I am trying. I am not actually sure there are any rules; maybe she only makes them as it comes, and that’s okay too.
It seems sometimes I am wanted, and sometimes I am simply allowed or tolerated. At other times I am completely denied, and made to look a fool for expecting anything. The problem is, I lack the wisdom to know the difference, and so the rules must be spelled out each time, as if for a child – written in red ink at the front of the class; or perhaps even in chalk, so that they may be changed.
She cannot expect me to know that (at least this time) it was ok.
But it was. She let me hold her, and it felt so wonderful to be in her arms again, if for only a short time. Even in the early hours of the morning when sleep had pulled us apart, she reached for the covers and held me close again. I feared closing my eyes again, for I wished that moment to last forever. Eventually though, I did, and then the alarm sang too soon. She rose quickly, and had to hurry to school. We said quick goodbyes, and like that we were once again separated – the spell broken.
It was a small thing, but still so wonderful. What it really means, I don’t know. How it will be next time we meet, I am equally unsure. We will walk that road when it comes, one step at a time.
(Baby steps.)
