pulling out the arrow
If one comes across a person who has been shot by an arrow, one does not spend time wondering about where the arrow came from, or the caste of the individual who shot it, or analyzing the type of wood the shaft is made of, or the manner in which the arrowhead was fashioned. Rather, one should focus on immediately pulling out the arrow.
-Shakyamuni, the Buddha
I am feeling trapped, though I am with friends.
It seems they are forever trying to do something, yet everything remains undone. For me, I prefer to do nothing, yet leave nothing undone.
And there is a difference.
I needed time to think. I needed time to look at the grass andthe green things. Time to look at the stars, and write and read. I needed time for her.
So, I left. Untold and unexpected.
.
Why can I never decide what I want to do? It seems I have never been able to pick one thing and stick with it until the end. I am forever abandoning the things I begin for something new, something that I think will somehow be better than the last. The thing is, I will soon find something other to suit my fancy and thus change direction once again.
I once thought that this was because I had so much to do at once, but I am no so sure anymore. Perhaps really, I have nothing, and am only engaging in vain in whatever may come my way, yet nothing brings any reward.
I must find my place, wherever it may be.
I must not be scared if I find it is something (or somewhere) I never expected.
I must be ready to follow one road.
.
So, since I have had not time for
writing of late, I leave only a quick review of the events of this past week
(or so).
- I spent absolutely nothing, and
was able to live (rather comfortably) simply with what I found. This includes
but is not limited to: food, clothing, shelter, beaches, books, etc.
- I learned how to properly hop a
train.
- I touched both coasts of France
in a single day.
- I passed Paris twice in this day,
and did not see her once. Somehow we were so close, but forever so far from
each other.
- I learned people who seemingly
have nothing have the most to give. They have nothing, but also nothing to
lose, nothing to judge, and want nothing more.
- I was given a small brick of
hashish by a member of the French military. He later pressed me to become a
'comerade' as well.
- I found that music does not necessarily
rely on beauty of sound, but on strength of spirit. Two toothless men singing a
song of which they know not the words can bring a tear.
- Most of all, I found myself. Or at least a small piece. I am beginning to know who I am, and what I can really do. I feel empowered, and I am ready to pull out the arrow. It has been too long that I have only thought about the problems before me. Now, I begin to clean the wounds.
