i guess i’ll have to use a bit more force
Last night I dreamed of Her.
Finally seeing each other after it has been so long (even in my dreams), we spoke in French, and she greeted me with a rather excited kiss. But still, there was something more. It was not the kiss that left me waking with longing…
It was those eyes.
They finally looked at me with warmth. Once again filled with love, they spoke to me like I have not seen in so long. Here I saw them I have always remembered them to be: emptied of the hate and aversion that had been there for so long. They were clear and shining, allowing me to look into them, and past, deeper somewhere so that I could see her. She spoke, "I am sorry, I can’t be mad at you anymore. I really have missed you."
For months, it has been like trying to console a crying baby. Though a mother searches desperately for some sign, looks with compassion into his eyes, still the enfant will push her away. All she wants is some clue; she would do anything to give him what he needs, if only she could know. Then later, that same enfant will be filled with glee and laughter, his eyes have revealed all, and he is accepting.
So now it is like this. For so long she has pushed me away, like the baby to his mother. Now, what a tender gaze! A letting down of the gates allowing me to see how she felt. And this is all that I have needed, just this. Only to know would have been enough. This is what she had failed to understand for so long. I needed her warmth and compassion, not her body. Even in the times we were close, there was still such coldness, some lack of trust in her eyes.
But now, oh the way she looked at me last night! Oh, those eyes! They are truly incredible, indescribable! Perhaps now she is finally begging to soften. Perhaps now she…
.
But it was only a dream.
And I am trying so hard not to believe.
Truly though, it is hard. After such brief contact with her over the past few weeks, the few words she has given me leave me clueless. Have I been dreaming the last few months? Am I only now just waking from a terrible nightmare, to find there has been some mistake?
I wish it were that easy.
These events are not completely scripted from my subconscious dream mind. I do (however infrequent it may be) inhabit and live in the real world from time to time.
This comes coincidentally (maybe not) just the day after I have first spoken with her in some time. Over the past few weeks I have failed, somewhat intentionally, to call or otherwise contact her. It was my understanding that I was not to continue to push her, she needed time, and space. Then, a few days ago I receive an email from her wondering why I have been talking to everyone but her. Also, she says she misses me, and perhaps would like to see me.
Have I truly been the one to ignore her? I think not. After months of trying to win time with her, and begging for her attention, now somehow I am the cold one.
So, I try to contact her, even if it’s only half an effort, I have tried.
The effort alone brings emotions that I have tried to bury long ago. Somehow though they continue to break from their fleshy grave to haunt me. Her words are confusing. Somehow once again we have failed to understand each other. It seems such a simple thing, and indeed, it once was. If only I knew what she wanted I would give it to her. I would give her the stars if she would let me, but I had understood she did not want anything more from me.
Now she is telling me she misses me, and would like to see me… What am I to do with this?
So finally, exactly one month since we last parted, I spoke with her again. But of coarse, there are no answers, and I am left with only longing once again. For what, I don’t know. There is just something missing, something I wish could be filled again. Maybe I just need answers, as I have for so long. Maybe it’s a longing to let go. And I have, but still sometimes there are those questions. What is she really thinking? What is she doing right now? What will it be like next time we are to meet?
She said she looked at the stars last night and thought of me…
So, at least we still have the stars.
